How much time and emotional energy do you waste wishing things or
people in your life were different? “If only this”, “if only that” you say.
What has happened cannot be undone but why compound it with
throwing more good after bad.
Ok, you would have preferred things to be different but going over the
same ground again and again in your head means you are fighting against
the reality. This type of circular thinking style depletes you and stops
you from benefiting from a positive way of being. 3
When you want to challenge your thinking then let go by taking a deep
breath and saying “OK, I would have liked things to be different but if I
keep on thinking this way I will make things worse and not better”. This
type of thinking style is more likely to help you move on.
Step Two – Put things right
When something goes wrong think about why it went wrong (so you can
avoid the same situation in the future) and then do something about it. If
you said something better left unsaid or forgot to do something you
should have done then acknowledge the situation and act in a positive
way. Say sorry – it won’t kill you. Explain what happened and put it
right if you can. Can you think of one person who never gets things
wrong? Actions speak louder than words so think about what you can do
and do it. People who develop a positive lifestyle know that it is not
making a mistake that is the problem but how to deal with it and move on.
Step Three – Stop Putting yourself down
When you put yourself down you decrease your ability to live in a
positive way. It is one thing being modest but another being downright
passive. Passive people are not happy or positive people. If you want to
be stop putting yourself down then learn to look people in the eye, smile,
hold your body upright and say “thank you” when someone tells you that
the dress you are wearing suits you. Avoid comments like “this old
thing” If you catch yourself putting yourself down – stop. Instead of
saying, “I’m useless”, “I can’t” or “typical of me to get it wrong” say,
“I found that hard” or “I guess it will take a bit more practice
Step Four – Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true
Thoughts are funny things that can play tricks on our unsuspecting minds
making us act in ways that do us no good whatsoever. Imagine you see
someone you know across a road – you smile and wave but no response.
What’s your immediate thought “Oh she did not see me” or “what have I
done wrong?” You have a choice. You can tell yourself something
negative and make yourself feel bad or you can change the way you think
into something that will make you feel better about yourself, other people
and the world. After all, why would you choose to always think the worst
– where’s the sense in that?
Step Five – Look for the Evidence
Sometimes we make mistakes and all that proves is that we are human.
However, most of the time can end up feeling ashamed, guilty, depressed
and anxious for no reason at all. When you have these feelings instead of
just accepting them remember that they are based on what you are
thinking about yourself or the situation you find yourself in. Therefore
when you find yourself thinking thoughts like “what will people think?”
ask yourself what evidence you have that people will think anything at all
– let alone anything negative. How do you know that people will be
thinking a certain way? Once you start to look for evidence it’s amazing
how hard it can be to find!
Step Six – Take Responsibility
No one is going to make anything happen for you so make it happen for
yourself. Even when someone has treated you badly or you have been
unlucky you can turn the situation around. Don’t personalise bad
situations, as the more you believe that you were singled out for bad
treatment the more you are likely to limit your chances of success. It can
be a hard lesson to learn but someone has to be a statistic. When
organisations downsize, good people can lose their jobs. Sometimes
parents are not up to the job of parenting and they make mistakes. You
could not help what happened to you as a child but you can learn to take
responsibility as an adult. You can shape your future but only if you
learn to be brave and take risks. Positive people take risks even if they are scared
Step Seven - Get out of your tower
You don’t want to get hurt so you build a tower around you. You believe
that all people are untrustworthy and you are determined to keep people
out at all costs. Perhaps you do this in an obvious manner by being hard
to talk to and get to know or perhaps you do it more subtly by appearing
open but avoiding real meaningful emotional contact. It’s true that if you
keep people away you do not risk them hurting you. However, you will
never be able to live positively if you do not include people in your life.
Life is full of people and those who make good relationships are those
that are likely to be happy and get more of what they want from life. You
do not have to be a pushover but learn to give people a chance.
Step Eight – Be grateful
There is now an increasing body of research that shows that people who
are thankful for what they have are more positive than those who
constantly think about what they do not have. You can learn to be
grateful by stopping during the day and thinking about what you have to
be grateful for. For example, you may have lost your job but you still
have your health. You may wish you were more attractive but you have
friends. Think about everything in your life, whether large of small that
you like. After all, you could be standing on a freezing station instead of
on a warm, if crowded, tube platform or you could have to walk a mile or
so to get to the bus stop.
Step Nine – learn to like yourself
If you do not like yourself then why should anyone else? People who
learn to like themselves are more likely to be likeable, are less likely to be
put upon and are much more likely to ward off stress and be happy. If
there are things about yourself that you would like to change then do so
but do not use them as an excuse not to like yourself. Write down a list
of 20 things that you like about yourself and that you think you are good
at. Think of things that you have done – giving a pound to charity, 8
helping someone across the street, giving someone a smile – all of these
things count.
Step Ten – Never put off to tomorrow what you can do today
How many times have you meant to do something and then never got
around to doing it whatever it was? Laziness drains your confidence and
your potential for a positive life. Sure, we all need to slob out sometimes
but you know that’s not what I really mean. “I’ll start my diet
tomorrow”,” I’ll sort that out later” or “one more day won’t hurt” For
many people tomorrow never comes and putting things off is really one
more excuse to avoid making the most of life and of your chances. If it
helps you, organise a reward and get a friend to support you. If you are
one of those people who is more motivated to take action to avoid
something you don’t like then make a pledge that if you do not follow
through on an action you will donate some money to one of your least
favourite cause. Motivation is an individual thing and you need to find
the method that works best for you
